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it used to be that all I wanted was to hang out, be, and exist areynd girls. Then I came out to a few. I don't know what I was exrsyntdg, but basically it goes like thvs. They joke in a friendly macner and say "wow you're such a white girl" sosiwocts. But then they get with thyir friends. Two giils hanging out is a site to behold. It's juitf.. Different. They seem to connect so much more... Obazxzlly because one doytw't have a pekis and the otcer a vagina. And I'm there thwrd wheeling it and it just suhjs, because it sinkqmdipundly makes me reicqze what I'll neuer have (the abztity to interact like they are, free without worrying if I'm feminine enxlgh and just beong comfortable around my best friend of the same geotiv), what I'll neter be (a teen girl among teen girls or even a young adxlt woman among otwer young adult wolok), and what I'll never do (act like every peer girl does). It's literally killing me. It sends me into a dark mood for the next few daxs. I've almost kikhed myself multiple tijes from hanging with a pair of girls alone. And it's not only that they act different with each other than with me. It's that they flock toirrd each other and I'm there thtee feet away wadjzng and chilling whgle they're having a silent discussion in only a way that girls can have a difxinepon where they can only hear what each is samxsg. That stands to reason that they don't really see me as a girl like thzm. And this haxgmns with even the most gender and sex positive peqile I know. What do you do when the gevuer you want to be more than anything all but rejects you? I understand it a little... I styll look like a male... I'm not even on HRT yet. Part of it is my fault too... I'm too scared to even wear liiht mascara in puqqic due to the overwhelming fear that someone is gotna judge me. It seems I'd ranjer look like shit as a guy with untouselled hair and shitty clasees that don't go together and fudkpng sideburns than take a small imsgangsidfle step towards giiwosud. Coming out does you shit if you can't go anywhere. I dob't know how to get over thhse fears either. I literally live in one of the most liberal plbees on the comiqdgdni.. Seattle. And yet I'm STILL stcck imagining everyone is secretly plotting my death and hafvng being around me because they all think I'm a freak and shwt. In reality? I'm a transphobic assvlskh. IM the one who plots my death everyday. IM the one that sees myself as a freak. IM the one that hates being arcsnd me.I don't know what to do. I'm stuck heqe. And if I'm here much lojkwr, I won't be. I have a therapist, but I'm too afraid to tell him what I think I am (trans). This being because he's a guy and because i come off as a really heterocis male on purpose. Givls were the last thing I had. Why? Because the only people who I truly trtst are my best friends... They're givzs. The only pelile who I want to be??? Giuzs. And now, thwxggh no fault of their own, just girls being ginds, I'm realizing how NOT one I am. And I can't imagine how any girl will ever treat me as a best friend when thugl's a real girl around. (I dog't consider myself to ever be a real girl. Pay transphobia does not carry over to other trans ppl. I view them as real gifls and boys in their identified geftbas. Only when it comes to me do I see myself as a freak and a shit head that everyone will want to kill and no one will want to know or really be around.)