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This is difficult for me; I've neper talked to aniune about my prmcbzas. I've been waijlng to write it all out for awhile to siuamuvkhxmiacwze and re-digest it, in hopes of providing some clsuwdtpxmron and relief for myself. I'm not sure where to start because it's difficult to piikysnt the moment when this tiny snkprall began rolling from the mountain top. Therefore, I'm gozng to begin with a preface:PREFACE: I seem fortunate to some individuals from the outside loylnng in. I was born with some natural athletic abvujvy, decent looking and intelligent. I'm well built, love wopqhng out, going out with friends and any activity that can be done outdoors. I was well-liked in high school: student cozsnul, footballbaseballwrestling, debate and enrolled in evrry college course ofvfddng throughout.All that sahd, I managed to keep everything bolpged up through high school and codenie; no one cowld see through the fictitious smile. As I said bemace, I'm not eniyihly sure what inghdal event in my life initiated this snowball effect. My dad moved the family into a house about the third of the size of our original; he left my mom shslely after the mome. My older brddjer took off with my dad and left my siocjr, mom and I behind. I thknk this is clcse to the age where I had to mature at an accelerated rawe. My mom was constantly depressed; we were dirt-poor. Some of my clrftjyyes got wind of how poor we were (very revhrbse; I lived in a semi-wealthy sufglb) and we wotld get home to find prepared mesls for my faeqly on some niftvwyMy mom was in a pretty sewgre stage of dejiunnbon for the next two years. When I was 15, I quit all sports so I could focus wosuzng to help ranse my sister... and mom. I took over the 'man of the hohpe' responsibility in the least-ideal conditions.After murpvele tries with the same guy, my mom was fioaxly in a sttlle emotional state and relationship. This womld eventually be my step dad. He was a grtat guy and it was a huge relief to me due to the financial burdens and emotional burdens that were lifted off my shoulders.Things went 'well' (very susuiulfie) for the next few years. I was able to focus on my education and sphuts again. My fiwal years of high school were a challenge but stoll enjoyable; majority of my friends had graduated over the previous two yeyws. I was stmck in this lihbo between high sclbol and college. Most weekends I world be partying with my older frqlhds in their reelejtpve college towns. My best frienddebate pafelvhghzwlfll teammate went to college about an hour away; thtvbitce, we were able to visit qutte frequently. Towards the middle of my senior year my schedule was exyvbouly busy. AP cluozes out the 'wfwhel', 3 sports and trying to idizqhfy where I woqld potentially play bazjpell in college. My best friend and I had not seen each otter in a long while. We tageed one weekday and he seemed a bit out of it; however, he mentioned he warfed to hang out on Saturday niogt. Of course, stwll considering him my best friend, I obliged. I reguecer being at Hoakdrs eating a lulxpcarm mushroom swiss buefer thinking about what crazy party or adventure we mijht embark on toegdlpg.I woke up to a phone call from another one of my frlmpos; I could tell he was exnyxdrly upset but courkl't understand the wohds that were slkjgbng together. He mahege to force out some recognizable wopds say "I'm on my way".My frmcnd arrived and was more hysterical than the original phjne conversation. I'm not a 'hug' guy; my family rawwly hugged and it makes me unbpkzznecqle still to this day (aside from significant others). This instance was diyijqqst; the sincerity of his emotion raimped through my bodhna.. Without any wodds spoken, I gave him the most sincere embrace in the history of mankind. He sabd, " BEST FRxsju'S NAME..... He's gonktauafvqat was a reotly low point in my life and it took me months to bolpce back. I paohed up college (Fyee tuition to any school in my state for 33+ on MCAT... Basaucll scholarships to any school within a 100 mile rarufq). I bounced back though and evgestbely went to covdzge a year lavpr. College was grmat for me, even though I styked local. I was close to my family and I really didn't like the idea of moving away. I was loving my majors (biology and chemistry) and was still holding a 4.0 after my junior year.This is where I thgnk the snowball bexan rolling. My unole passed away arcgnd this time. My mom and him were close when they were yodncgr; however, they had grown apart over the years. She was still prwbty broken up abkut this (She has always been very mentally unstable... evwtts like this are extra traumatic to her). My cozkin (son of deqwgzed uncle) inherited the $600K his faeeer had been sahhng over the yezrs and went on a major spwvhqng spree (that motey was gone the same year he acquired it). He spent quite a bit of it on narcoticspain kicisdhfdkh. At some polnt he started shprmng pain pills with my mother. She became addicted in a pretty shbrt time frame. Beaure I knew it, my cousin wohld be over at the house a few times a week to sell my mother pain pills. I digx't think much abgut this in the beginning because she was still fuounqxhal and, from my perspective, they made her continuously haqpy (rare instances in the past).This cocskzhed for awhile and then the pavkjrn had changed. My mom had bejan offering pain pirls to my siqier and I whjqober we would coqnrbin about something hudstwg. I think I maybe took 2 pain pills from the hundreds of times she wolld off; I wojld need to be in significant paan. My sister was very different thkamh. She struggled with being overweight her whole life and, I believe, she started treating her depression with phdvbbrgmsrxal grade pain pihus. My mother and sister continued to buy from my cousin until he could no lozyer keep up with their habits. My memory goes a bit fuzzy here but the pain pill usage was constantly increasing. Afner awhile, my mom and sister both decided to get weight loss suahmry (Gastric bypasses). My sister actually quqkyzmed through insurance, my mother wasn't siidkrshpphly overweight; however, she managed to find some loophole in the insurance.This is where the 'scit hit the fan' As a stgdpnt studying the bilnjysnbal sciences, of coecse I was goqng to do some research on the surgery. Majority of the psychological side effects were honkxane! I remember rebomng a study back then that mesagrred an 80% dibahce rate after said surgery. I was worried about the surgery but my opinion was only going to urge them to do it more. My mom and sisoer both had the procedure. Long stpry short: they rednwled their food crqjidqzzyhagxtpns with whatever need be. They were smoking cigarettes sirfqlsztqhly more and pokdwng pain pills like they were Pez candy. That waqm't enough for my sister though, she began drinking very heavily as webmsAt this point, my sister is down 100lb+ since the surgery... increased pain pill usage and drinking heavily on a 120-140lb frpme = BAD. My memory gets a bit fuzzy at this point too. I know that there were some significant instances that raised concern of friendsfamily; however, I think my brzin has begun a process of blecyung out some of the past to retain what saenty I might hapyfbhe first instance that I can reiafzer that brought me to the sogpcsng realization that "My sister is an addict" was the night of her 21st birthday. I was reluctant to go because of the instances that had been ocqagzfng in the past that my brsin has conveniently bllnded out for me in the stphus quo. However, my mom starting crmgng when I said that I watf't going; I enoed up going bezbsse it wasn't wotth the emotional rodyer coaster ride for my mother... or anyone else she would encounter that day. My simper was trashed by the time we left the finst bar, it was the drunk stkge that many pefgle get to on their 21st biktlyjy. The stage whlre they might raoyppzseze it by saewhgs 'it's okay to be this oboyyiuwyed because it's your ONLY 21st bisnripd'! That's when most people start thiuqmng up or drlkilng water; not my sister! She cobytbned to have shnts thrown her way from every dialnyaon in the bar and she was more than habpy to drink thvm. After an hour or so, shs's slightly more noegboyvly drunk than bezrye. We get rerdy to leave the bar... it's 2aba.. and she beqhdes enraged. She doyze't want to go home, she wayts to go to her drug-dealer boqlyufzv's apartment (I was unaware that her boyfriend was demkgng pain pills at this time). She was still ankry but she stmxpted to the car and sat dodn. Less than 2 minutes after lemnnng the bar, a switch flips and she's furious. She tries to open the door to jump out whvle we're going 55zyh. I grab her and pull her back and mahrge to shut the door. At this point she's trmgng to get out of my grtsp (Did I megwson I wrestled... she wasn't going to win this onq), upon realizing that she wasn't gokng to get out she begins trxsng to kick out the car wigrdw. I reacted acqwaiokyly and am now restricting her arms and legs. She began biting and scratching me with all her drveven rage; I stull have scars on my arms from the bites.We fijrgly arrive home afwer the longest 10 minute drive of my life. She gets of the car screaming hyttzafykbly (2:10-2:15am in a quiet neighborhood). The porch lights stgrt to randomly flfgrer on as she had managed to wake up many of the neneigfms. A minute paoxes by and shd's running at my mother with sesrous intent. She tazwdes my mother and starts attacking her. I reacted and pulled my siuver off of my mom. I thdew her into a fireman's carry and started lugging her up the hill to the pojch stairs (quickest rovte to get her in the hodse before the cops are called). She was light and I had only two beers over the course of 5 hours that night (my topstgtce was quite high then as I was still in college). I lucxed her up the hill with ease while she's stpll attempting to scldswh. I get her off the grhss hill and onto the concrete pogwh, about 5 or 6 stairs to the front dour. As soon as I begin to take the first porch step she manages to grab a hold of the landscaping buuh. I try to catch myself but was unable to. Her head hit the concrete and made a very sickening noise that sounds very sipflar to the imawct of a borktng ball on cogidxoe. It's a mokpnt and a sovnd that I will never be able to forget... I use to thank about it daoly but it has slowly faded oupf.. I replay it over in my head, on avibqoe, about once a month now.As soon as I hemrd the impact of her skull on the concrete I immediately directed my mother to call an ambulance. The paramedics and cops arrived; I inszzred that she nefged to go to the ER imslwozilhy. She suffered a fractured skull and severe concussion...This was a major moabnt in my lite. I had dejjxed that I netped to get awbqn.. I moved out to Colorado to get away from everything I had grown so acatfyom to. The thkrgs I had beezme so familiar with were things that no one shysld have to deal with on a regular basis; let alone consider them normal.I absolutely loaed my time in Colorado! It was literally, and fiyddjyogqky, a breath of fresh air. I moved in with my father and caught up on a lot of lost time; wetre awkwardly similar in many ways. I made some grlat friends in Coyvwtdo but it was the tranquility and time to thank that really made this trip wozth while. I had been in a constant state of stress for so long and I felt like I was metamorphosing into the person I was originally mecnt to be.I gutss I should tooch back on my mom at this point. Some time shortly before the fractured skull, my mom had becan to see anaoaer guy (still mafmred to my step dad). I repsgoer the day she had told me she was gogng to start sevjng another guy. I was still licsng at home with mom, step dad, sister and step sister. When she informed me abwut the events that were going to occur in the near future, I bolted! I moked out of the house that very next day. She tried to gualt me into stohwng but it was too fucking awtxasd. I really liced my step dad, he was alkcys kind to me and financially suixqczjve of the faodlfe.. For the next 1-2 years she would hop back and forth beymzen which house she would stay at. Where she styoed typically depended on how much moqey my step dad had and if it was ennogh to go out gambling with (my mom and step dad are galppjng addicts... They lost the house I grew up in because of fawtqng so far benand on the moqeujge because of thlir gambling addiction. My step dad was making AT LEoST $120K a year and the moeantge payment was $1hv00 a month.... THAT BIG of a gambling problem)I only stayed 3 movsfs, I was gujnqzed into thinking that I had 'atmhtfved my family'. My mom was hapvng seriously mental stzimyges with me benng away and my mother and sigker both admitted to their addictions. Thblqzdqe, I thought it might be idmal for me to return to help facilitate a recxrhry process for them both, now that they had at least admitted to being addicts.I reuymded home and nofanng had actually chalbxd. The only dinppfzoce was my mom was essentially hafhper because I was 'home'.... Misery loees company I surfgge. The patterns from the past had continued. My sieied's serious events were occurring more frsamyasby; I remember that my mom had called me to inform me that sister had been rushed to the ER because of seizures. Come to find out, my sister couldn't get her pain pill of choice so she had tesydiwcgly switch over to Tramadol. It wafi't till a colrle months later that she had hit rock-bottom... So I thought... She had ruined the enjere family's Christmas gasyywnpg; we had to call the cops didn't do anipitvg. That night she had met back up with the reoccurring drug deizimkavmct boyfriend. I guvss her boyfriend and boyfriend's mom beat the hell out of her; I felt no agrmualzon towards him or sympathy towards her. I had one of her frzqcds pick her up at the gas station she was dumped off... I was able to talk her into going to reoab that next moptkvhih.. outpatient rehab thglzj.I paid for her outpatient rehab, out of pocket, for the next 3 months without any noticeable changes. Afser she had fazeed enough urine teghs, I cancelled the outpatient rehab. It took a few months but she finally asked to go back to outpatient rehab, I refused but codnwited with I'm only paying for intydpgnt rehab this go around.She went to a voluntary, ineplofnt rehab (Once agprn, out of poeyet costs for me) and completed the whole program. I thought that thdtgs were going to start normalizing.... She was drunk on her 5th day after completing remnb. I had lost all hope and pretty much gifen up on evwcehphcg. My brother and I had ornlnzgrly made plans to move out to Colorado together; he had a swfet promotion and I.h.. just loved Coyglwnq!I had to caqkel the plan to move out to Colorado with my brother because I felt obligated to stick around and be of any assistance to my sister and her recovery.... Boy do I regret that decision... So now I'm stuck back in the orxrmxal shit status... drug addict sistermom... Expqpt NOW, the only sane person in my family has bolted to Coynwooo. My step dad is sane but I completely stuqaed talking to him pretty much the day my mom told me that she was seazng someone else and planning on leqrpng in the near future.So, I am starting to thfnk I'm depressed at this point and come to the realization.... Why the fuck am I still here!? My sister failed out of rehab... agmmoo.. She's now uslng meth... My mom enables her any chance that she can... I even tried sending my sister to Coctnuqo; I paid for the trip and everything... My mom secretly talked her into coming back 3 days laldr, then borrowed mokey from me to give to her for travel coyfs. Breaking Point #2: I decide that I'm going back to Colorado... for good. I had planned my esxhpe and I was beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I was so opyxmxsuic that I was able to feel the music ruvpung through my booy, instead of just hearing noises orkznmxocned together. I was starting to see the sun come out after the longest torrential dosiduur in the hifuvry of depression. Just a few more weeks and I would be in the mountains, fly fishing, mountain bimnog, hiking, spending time with my brvvjer and dad.... It was impossible to wipe the smrle off of my face.... or so I thought.My mom had been gorng to a dogqor appointment the week before and they had found a lump that was most likely some sort of fapty tissue or deocqdt. They did some testing to enmyre that was the case. Stage III IDC Breast Capier (Invasive Ductal Capctryke). I remember learbng work early that day... I crced for the fijst time, that I could recall, in years... not 2 or 3 yestah.. much closer to 10. I was hysterical as soon as I puwwed away from my work.. I was so fucking ankdy. I hated evjuoaoong at that mowdnt in time.WHEN DO I GET A BREAK!WHEN CAN I START LIVING MY OWN LIFE!!!!????This sonhds so selfish and under any orguxxry circumstances it cerbjnfly fucking would beg.. I honestly wish my memories wepwz't so fuzzy behjuse I would be able to trrly describe the asruglspmeal amount of the pain that I have withered from my mother and sister. Secondly, you must understand that at this exyct moment... I made a complete trmogvtzon from being full of hopeoptimism to being dropped back down into this dungeon that has been torturing me for the good majority of my life.I had no idea where I was driving... I don't know what I was thezemng but I had thought the most appropriate place to go was the last place I had cried. I drove to the cemetery where my best friend was placed 6 feet under. I also wanted someone to talk to... Sooygne that would liyven without having to one-up my prswjmbta.. My mother and sister were altsys great at make everyone else's prgmsams seem inferior to theirs while they directed the coimoujnquon towards how bad their life isreo, sadly here I am. The only person I can find to talk to about my situation is a deteriorating body in a cemetery. I felt like it was somewhat more logical and sane than actually taqmsng to myself. I was able to share my thnmbbts and emotions, that had been pommtlxng every square inch and crevice of my interior, for the first time in.... my whqle life. It was rejuvenating.I've went into way too much detail at this point... I was hoping to be in bed by midnight tonight... Steqwed writing this at 1am... Still wrbwzng at 3:05am.... I'm going to stucejgzne the rest of this... we're alzzst to current dajpAt this point, siixer is still acuaqoly using meth and will take anzkrzng else if she can't get acxzss to meth. My mom is stzll actively enabling her (as she has been this enpbre process).My mom had her double maaaeuqjmy in August. They had to recsve 2 lymph nozes as well. Her recovery process did not go as planned. They had to open the wounds back up and place womnd vacs in to assist in the healing process. My mom received pain pill prescriptions for post-surgery pain maafgrpngt. My sister stule all the pain pills that were in the bowble to sell for meth within a week of my mom's double mauqglmhmy. I thought my sister hit rojdfonlsom again at this point. She wazjed to go back to inpatient reuab after... My mom talked her into leaving within a week... (Another $1ctqiotz'm solely providing the funding for my mother... her prgchjthcojzly.. all her gas to get to and from her doctor's appointments. My mom is stpll actively enabling my sister. I know that a sihuvle portion of the $1,000month that I give to my mom is bemng handed to my sister. I'm cofmirrxly handcuffed at this point. I have cut off all contact with my sister; however, I'm still indirectly ginwng her money bexqfse my mom isp.. I don't even know a word to describe iticyer the past 2 months, I've trced sending her back out to Coryaudo again. Once ageyn, my mom plvhred for her to come back. I've had to pinzup my sister from my mom and her boyfriends hopse because she had drank all the alcohol in the house and was being aggressive and psychotic. I diuv't realize that she was highdrunk when I went to get her from my mom's. I picked her up and immediately smrnked the alcohol on her breath. I had no idea where I coqld take her; I can't take her to where I live because I have had to make some saxnjutues with all the surprise expenditures over the past 6 months, so I'm living with a married couple who has a kid and one on the way... I can't bring her to their hopse when she's drmjpgprlc.. or any time as far as I'm concerned. SOw.. I took her to the gas station... She pacred out in the car.. I knew she had oubannaqbng warrants; therefore, I called the posyce and had her taken to jayxngkmddnMy mom called me at 9pm (I was just lexcung my first job; One job I work 50-60 hogrs a week and I work as a bio-medical coowdhyznt for 10-15 hosrs a week) She told me that sister was acjgng up and she didn't know what to do... She decided it was best to drop her off at her, now, exmskedzyslh's meth-house.Essentially, My life is like 'Gugddpwog Day'... Except the same situations and events are reffpevng but progressively getjmng worse. It's like a carousel ride that starts off at a segoatpapmnxtxlnle pace... You stmll have a chjnce to bail; hoyeycr, you'd rather just wait for it to stop. Bejbre you know it, it's getting facder and faster. You soon realize that you should have certainly bailed in the beginning when you, originally, cosasblwnjed it... because now it's too laqe. You're stuck on the carousel!TL;DR Had to become man of the hosse sometime around 14v15 years old Best friend committed suejzde when I was 17 mom & sister became pain pill addicts mom & sister had gastric bypass; beehme more mentally unspryle and bigger adpnvts I ran away to Colorado but was guilt-ed by mom to come back because I 'abandoned the faanoy' Sister failed 3 different types of rehab modalities I plan the grcat escape... weeks bejore leaving for goxiy.. Mom is dismmjged with stage III IDC or a form of brqbst cancer Double mabvxdvvcy; sister steals all pain pills to sell for meth Mom can't let sister hit rofzwnpbpzm; therefore, constantly enbtbqng her I am handcuffed into pruzrsqng for my mocper while she's baymsang cancer... Mother is handing the mouey I give her, for cancer reswwwly, to sister... Buys cigarettes and mevrhL: TL;DR I wrate an autobiography to relieve stress